From Low Confidence, to On Fire (F@ck You)!

I allowed my fear of being judged to control me for a long time. When I went to university to study for my BA, I was a mature student who was 37 weeks pregnant with my third and youngest child. I had to take 2 weeks off following the birth (I was told I had to withdraw if I took more time off), and I was told they would send me the work. I was studying creative writing, and we were learning how to structure our fictional work to book standards. I missed those weeks. I thought I understood it, but clearly, I hadn’t quite grasped it.

I kept getting lower grades on my creative writing assignments, and I didn’t really understand how or why. I asked questions to try and get some guidance but was just told to refer to the work (that they’d sent to me, that I didn’t really understand). It frustrates me now when I think back because I was paying for a service, and as a teacher myself, I’d always give some extra time to help a student who didn’t understand something. My degree was mixed with units in literature and linguistics, so when I didn’t have this teacher, my grades were great.

This teacher was always short with me. He even used to pull faces when I spoke to him, and to be quite honest, he spoke to me like I was irrelevant and maybe even stupid. I stopped asking him questions because I felt like he saw me as ‘not being good enough’. He used to talk quite a lot about his agent, and how only ‘certain people’ had what it takes to be an author and I believed him – he was an expert.

When I was in my final year, he was harsh on me again, as I still didn’t have the formatting thing down. I got the lowest grade I’d ever got, and I felt frustrated. I found the confidence to ask another student for help and told him my grade (I kept it a secret from everyone else as I was so embarrassed) as I just had no idea where I was going wrong, and the feedback didn’t really explain. I was excelling in every other subject and although it had improved and I knew I was on the right track, I wasn’t quite there.

I became really nervous and anxious about handing in an assignment with him because I felt inferior. I knew he was judging me, and I remember feeling sick in the pit of my stomach. When a fellow student looked at my work and gave me some pointers, it was only something minor I was doing wrong, and really, I couldn’t believe that I’d been marked down all these years based on this. All he had to do was tell me in a way I understood, without being rude. Kindness costs nothing.

When I handed in my next assessment, I did much better. But the embarrassment didn’t end there, as when explaining his ‘marking’ ethos to the class, he disclosed my grade, telling them all he’s harsh when you get into your third year and still can’t format well, and then he told them it could be the difference between this grade (which was my previous grade – my lowest grade ever), and this grade (the higher grade I’d just got), and then he looked at me. The person who helped me fix my formatting issues looked at me in disbelief as I went red and sank into my chair. I’ll never forget how I felt. My fellow student was straight over to me after the lesson ended to see if I was okay – he took me for a coffee, and we couldn’t believe he’d just disclosed my grades to the whole class.

When I passed my BA, I had no belief in my writing skills, even though I’d done well in my degree and got a good grade – a 2:1 rather than a first. I wasn’t too far away from a first-class degree in fairness, and I passed my MA with distinction. I went into teaching because I didn’t believe in myself as a writer. BUT I went into teaching knowing that I would never treat my students as I’d been treated and I always went the extra mile to help anyone who needed it.

It took a long time for me to accept I was a writer – I struggled to say the words. I had publications out there but couldn’t say “I’m a writer,” or “I’m an author”. For someone who struggled with confidence personally, to be constantly put down by the people who were supposed to help me develop is tough. You start to believe them, because they’re qualified, and they’re the expert.

On the plus side, I know who I am now. It took a lot of work (blood, sweat, and tears) to get here, but I can comfortably say, now that I AM A WRITER and I’m good at what I do, regardless of what my lecturer believed because now I have the belief in myself. I’m a passionate believer that we can all a book, a course, or other content, because it’s a learned skill. It’s something we can work on and improve if we really want to.

To get where I am today, I didn’t have to actually work too much on my writing skills. I had to work on my own mindset and confidence because it was those things that actually helped my writing develop. The positive thing that came from this whole experience for me, is that I overcame it all. I run my own business and it’s successful – so maybe this post is my f@ck you (something that I probably should’ve said but didn’t have the confidence).

I’m a different person now.

It’s my mission to help people who lack the skills, lack confidence, lack belief, and lack the mindset, to get their writing done.

No judgement. No nastiness. No embarrassment. But with compassion, ease, and positivity.

Don’t let anyone pi$$ on your cornflakes and dictate who are, or who you’re not. You can be whoever you want to be – so keep striving for your dreams.

Janet XOXO